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2002-06-10 - 4:05 p.m.

handwriting on the wall

MORE E-MAILED STUFF

some old.... some not.......
 
WISDOM ~
 
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.----Women's restroom,
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.
 
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"--- Rest
stop off Route 81, West Virginia.
 
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting
up with her crap.---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North
Carolina
 
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!---Women's restroom, The
Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana
 
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to
have trouble with it.---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas
 
No wonder you always go home alone.---Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
 
Beauty is only a light switch away.--- Perkins Library, Duke University,
Durham, North Carolina.
 
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.---The Irish Times,
Washington, DC
 
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.---Written in
the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff, Arizona.
 
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.--- Revolution
Books, New York, New York
 
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.---Men's
restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
 
Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy
and hard to light.---The Janitor
 
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your
hands.---Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

2002-06-10 - 4:01 p.m.

english

MAKING THE ROUNDS ON E-MAIL

The English Language:  Reasons why the English
language is so hard to learn:
 
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his desert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it
was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to
sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
  Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no
egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in
England or French fries in France.
  Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.
  We take English for granted. But if we explore its
paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing
rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea
nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't
ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural
of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can
make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds
and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you
call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian
eat?
  Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what
language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat
chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are
opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you
fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm
goes off by going on.
  English was invented by people, not computers, and it
reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of
course, is not a race at all.
  That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
 
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

2002-06-09 - 10:42 p.m.

rules for CATS

ABOUT CATS


Rules for Cats to Live By! 


BATHROOMS:

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not

necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. 


DOORS:

Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get

door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with

forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary

to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door

opened, stand halfway in and out and think about

several things. This is particularly important

during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito

season. 


CHAIRS AND RUGS:

If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If

you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.

If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When

throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so

it is as long as a humans bare foot. 


HAMPERING:

If one of your humans is engaged in some activity

and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This

is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering."

Following are the rules for "hampering:" 


1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the

left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and

thereby stand a better chance of being tepped on and

then picked up and comforted. 


2) For book readers, get in close under the chin,

between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the

book itself. 


3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most

appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the

work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but

every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.


4) For people paying bills or working on income

taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to

hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on.

When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the

table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on

the papers, scattering them to the best of your

ability. After being removed for the second time,

push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one

at a time. 


5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of

him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.

Humans love to jump. 


6) When human is working at computer, jump up on

desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on

screen and then lay in human's lap across arms,

hampering typing in progress. 


WALKING:

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as

possible in front of the human, especially: on

stairs, when they have something in their arms, in

the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.

This will help their coordination skills. 


BEDTIME:

Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot

move around. 


LITTER BOX:

When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much

litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the

feel of kitty litter between their toes. 


HIDING:

Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans

cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four

hours under any circumstances. This will cause the

humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you

have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the

humans will cover you with love and kisses and you

will probably get a treat. 


ONE LAST THOUGHT:

Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially

their face, turn around, and present your butt to

them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't

forget guests.

2002-06-09 - 6:11 p.m.

noah

Everything I need to know about life,
I learned from Noah's Ark... 


One: Don't miss the boat.

Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah 
built the Ark. 

Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old,
someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job
that needs to be done.

Six: Build your future on high ground.

Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. 
The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.

Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; 
the Titanic by professionals.

Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, 
there's always a rainbow waiting.


2002-06-09 - 5:32 p.m.

OVER WHELM

How does it happen that on a given day everything appears rosy and quite manageable, and the very next day - with no appreciable change in circumstances - the very same things seem quite overwhelming. What dynamics are capable of causing such a shift in perception. "They" (you know them) say: Change your mind & you can change your life. True, but I don't recall consciously changing my mind, so how did it happen? Is it due to a chemical imbalance? Anything & everything we ingest - regardless of how benign - has an influence on the body which is in a perpetual state of attempting to maintain its own equilibrium. Is it in the air? A combination of pollens, chemicals & misc. pollution stirred up by the wind & inhaled. Or is a deficiency of some - unknown to me, but - very necessary chemical. If that were the case, how would I ever be able to identify it. Or maybe it's none of the above, & is due to things completely out of my control like the phases of the moon or gravitational pull. Maybe it has to do with the necessary experiencing of opposites (you can't know what happy feels like if you've never been to sad) ... I have no answers, only questions, & in the meantime I feel like CRAP ... I think I'll take a nap.

 

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